Father's Day

I have decided I'm no longer doing Shep or Eva's laundry and this is the summer for them to learn how to do it themselves.

Eva finally did a load this week. Shep is on week 4.

'You're not gonna break me,' he swears.

Watch for UNBROKEN 2: THE STORY OF A PUTRID 11 YEAR OLD in theaters soon.

Walker was out, maggie couldn't sleep, so she crawled in bed with me as I watched The Family Stone, which is not appropriate. At one point we broke for the kitchen to get cheese. 'This cheese is good' I said. 'ALL cheese is good' she answered and we fistbumped.

I'm starting to see that the endless nights of vomit & teething & night terrors are redeemed when they turn about 9. It's still hard. Hormones loom on the horizon and they can make teething look like babyplay. But then there are the moments when your kid shares your love for stinky cheese and laughs at appropriate times in grownup movies and you go, oh yeah....this is why we had you. Cause you're so cool, and I so love hanging out with you, in bed, watching movies and eating cheese.

A few years ago I wrote Missy Hooks Dollahon some haiku poetry.

I do that from time to time.  LIKE A BOSS.

Beauty atop bed

Chestnut hair, legs akimbo

Cocooned, warm, at peace



Fingers point, rushing

To the car, children stalling

Pod cast ready, wheels screech



Sly smile, lips are pursed

Fragrant spinning, donning jewels

Shoes lost in a pile



Fingers dance, wine ready

Words leap, brow is furrowing

Thoughts bolt through the web

'Ike, if you don't let your lizards go, I think they're going to die soon.'

'Yeah, but Jack & Nate and I decided that when they die we can, you know, learn more about 'em.'

Future surgeons or future psychopaths? Only time will tell...

Me: "How did this beautiful Ethiopian girl end up here in my arms?"
Bee: "Jesus."

We watched The Bible with the the 3 oldest a couple nights ago. Maggie's questions "How could dey film them when cameras hadn't been inbented yet?" were much, much easier than Eva Rose's "But I don't get it! How could Abraham have a baby with Hagar when he was married to Sarah? How? Tell me now! I need to know!"

It's time for The Talk. Lord help.

Maggie and I, talking after some kids had gone to her room and made a huge mess:

Me: This is why we discipline you, when you think we're just being mean, it's because we love you and we don't want you to grow up to be a brat.

Maggie: You don't want me to be a lonely old cat lady.

Then she asked if we could pray for those kids and their parents.

Shep: For the first time in forever, they'll be music, they'll be light. For the first time in forever...
Maggie: I can poooop alllll night

Ike just informed me that his name is Mr. WeinerButt ToothFart. You can call him that, or, you can call him Ike, he's okay with either one.

I told Ike something and he said, "Okay, I will tell that to my brain and it will remind me. My brain tells me things. Like watch: what's 2+2, brain? Four! What's 8+8, brain? Sixteen! See, it just told me that!"

About once a week or so I engage in a fantasy of throwing myself on the ground and thrashing and screaming at the top of my lungs

JUST! GET! YOUR! FREAKING! SHOES! ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but I restrain myself.

So far.

Because Frieda Pitts Hooks
broke her back recently, our Thanksgiving was cooked by Luby's this year. My mom ordered a roast, a ham, and a turkey for the week. And for the first time in my 40-something years, I was responsible for cooking thanksgiving, as in, taking the food out the containers & heating it. Easy, right?

I got two meats out and put them in the oven to heat up for 2 hours.

The beef, and the ham.

So for the first time in the history of ever, we had no turkey this Thanksgiving.‪#‎momfail‬

Maggie, frustrated with her math homework:

I'm in the Capital of Terribleland!!!

 Day 2 of Ten Commandments Bible Study with the Dollahon Kids:

Discussion of covenants will lead to discussion of circumcision which will lead to loud grimaces from daughters and enthusiastic visual aids from Ike.

Tonight when discussing the ten commandments with the kids:

Me: "We don't build golden calves anymore, but people make idols of lots of other things today. Can you think of some things that people love more than God?"

Eva: "MONEY!"
Shep: (whispers) "Women."
Maggie: "Being a princess. Some people will do anything in the world to be a princess."

Walker  to Shep this morning, headed to All Saints for the first time: 'you're gonna wanna brush your hair and brush your teeth, cause there's gonna be some fly reformed girls there.'

Shep is running for Vice President of student council. His speech is Wednesday which sadly I will miss since I'll be in Houston. But we worked on it tonight. He said, "I should be Vice President because I’m focused, hard working, and a good listener."
I scoffed.
To which he replied, "I didn't say I was honest."

Perhaps he *does* have a future in politics.

When I was pregnant with Shepherd, my precious friends Carol Kahil Krippel, Tracy Jo Snow Allan, Holly Witter Knott, Jolie Taylor Fletcher, Shanna Finucane and Shelly Reper Slovak threw me a baby shower.

I wore leopard print maternity pants.
{pause for effect}

The very best part was at the end when everyone held hands and prayed for our sweet unborn baby. I sobbed like a newborn at 3am.

When it was Joanna Byrd's turn to pray, she prayed that when this baby sinned, he would be quickly caught.

Jo's lips to God's ears.

Baby been sinning. Baby been gettin caught.

It appears he did not inherit his momma's sneaky gene. Praise God and thank you Joanna.

After we make it through this season of puberty, I'm gonna write a memoir and title it "Zits and Fits."

Cause every time I see a zit, I know a tantrum will soon follow.

Maggie: Mom, what kind of homework did you have when you were little?
Me: Lots of spelling, and we had math. We had big heavy math books.
Maggie: (very concerned) That's just sad!!!! (as she does her math homework on the laptop)

'God is just like cheesecake. He's delicious and everyone wants to eat him.'

Guess which Dollahon said that.

Bethie is talking more and more. Two of her favorite new sentences:

"I wan Momma buy me dat!"
and
"{insert sibling name} bein mean-a-me!"

Maggie: Doc McStuffins is just like Jesus - she never sins, on all the shows.

Ike: How old is God & Jesus?
Me: older than anything ever.
Ike: like eighty sixty-three?
Me: bout that.

Winston to Walker: 'You have the hands of a homoerotic Belgian poet.'

Apple --> Tree

If I had a nickel for every time this summer I've had to say 'No, Maggie, McDonalds does NOT serve horse meat!'

Big brothers = cruel

'Some people text even when they are standing right next to each other. I think they're called introverts.' - Maggie

Ten things I am glad Missy didn't know about me before she agreed to marry me... 1) I've never had a sentimental attachment to an animal, 2) I hate popcorn...the taste of it, the smell of it..., 3) I love using ellipses when writing, 4) I am not handy...in fact I'll make it worse, 5) if left alone I'd never change my clothes all day no matter what I'm doing, 6) I hate talking on the phone (and talking in bed...Missy gets chatty at bedtime...come to think of it, Missy is always chatty), 7) I enjoy cigarettes, 8) I am a huge skeptic of all new, faddish science and dietary "breakthroughs", 9) I'm bad a finishing lists...

Just found this email that I sent on 9-5-12, Eva's 8th birthday:

"This is when my faith gets tested. Not when people have cancer or whatnot, but this:

We have to wait for UCIS (immigration) to approve our update for a child up to age 5. Right now we are only approved for a 0-23 month old.

We really don't want a baby anymore. Have been saying that now for months.

So Natalie Bowen emails me and says, to clarify: if, between now and the time that your UCIS is approved (a month or two at the most, hopefully), if a 0-23 month old comes up, do you want us to skip over you, or go ahead and present her to you?

????????????????????????????????????????????

If I say no, then, no. If I say yes, we could get a baby. Which would be harder on some levels, easier on others.

This is when my superstition and doubts re God's sovereignty go BALLISTIC."

Walker was out of town and unreachable, OF COURSE. So I asked Eva what to do. She answered, "I just want any little girl. Tell them yes and let God figure it out."

So I emailed her back and said, okay, just go ahead and don't skip us.

Little did I know, they had asked me to clarify because they were working on the paperwork for a little 23 month old girl, who they presented to us three weeks later.

So glad we said YES to this baby girl :-)

You'd think by my fifth 3 year old it wouldn't make every nerve in my spine stand on end and smoke come out my ears when they stare straight in my face and scream NO!!!!

But it still does.

Maybe the 6th kid's the charm?

She says 'me, Maggie, Eba!!'

"Eva, lately, every time I say something to you, you argue with me."
"No I don't!!"

Who tooted?
Bethie: IKE!
Ike: NO! Boys do not toot, boys fart!

 Today they were here swimming and Maggie said 'I think Danny Davis is in love with me. Must be my new hair cut.' Shoulder flip, shoulder flip. 

I'd have to say the highlight of my week was when my Jen showed up on my front door, saying her embarrassed four year old Whitton owed me an apology. After ten minutes or so of encouraging/cajoling/threatening, he finally whispered, "I'm sorry I peed on Ike."

This is Maggie, at Costco, eating diced hotdog onions out of a cup with a spoon. She does this with raw garlic too. Spoons it right out of the jar. #evenbetterthanachastitybelt

Maggie: I hope that when Bethie grows up, she marries a black man. 
Me: why?
Maggie: So that we can get some real black people in this family. This family is too white.
Me: well, you could marry a black man.

Maggie: but then my kids won't be really black, just some black, like Barack Obama.

Helping her brother write a letter to the Tooth Fairy

At baby Alice's baptism:

Ike: Mom, when can I get communion?
Me: When you confess that Jesus is your savior and you want to follow him for all your life.
Ike: Will I have to be nicer?
Me: Well, if you're following Jesus, then, yeah.
Ike: (shakes head) I'm always gonna be mean to Maggie.

Ike: I want to go to Daniel's house.

Walker: They're not home.

Ike: Yes, they are.

Walker: how do you know.

Ike (brief pause): Cause I'm a genius.

Walker describing our differences:

"Me, I'm Burlington Electric. Conservative, steady, with modest growth year after year.
You, you're a penny stock. Wildly unpredictable. Way down here at 10am, way up here by 4pm. You can make a fortune and lose a fortune, all in one day."

Yesterday was Bethie's first major temper tantrum. She wanted another popsicle. I told her no. She screamed YES. I said no. She threw the popsicle down on the floor. I told her to pick it up. She screamed NOOOOOOOOO and slammed the door in my face.

Eva watched all this, wide eyed. Then she turned to me and said, "Who does she think she is?!?!?!"

I said, um, it's bedtime, little girl. It was about 5pm. I literally had to almost sit on her to get her clothes off and get her pajamas on. Then I kissed her, told her I loved her, and put her to bed. She tried to run out of the room several times and we had to fetch her. She screamed about 20 minutes and fell asleep.

Afterwards, Eva was going on and on about how unbelievable that was.

"Eva. You know when I told you you were hard? That was you. THAT WAS YOU."

"Every day??" she asked.

I nodded. "Just about. Every. Day."

Her eyes were as big as saucers. "Wow."

Wow indeed.

Tonight, watching a documentary about Auschwitz with Shep and Eva, they mentioned that many Russians were killed in WWII.

Shep: Yes. 23,650,000.
Me & Eva: What?
Shep: 23,650,000 Russians killed in WWII. For real. 23,650,000.
Me & Eva: {stare}
Eva: Nerd.

I asked Maggie "You know the Lazyboy that we have upstairs?" and she answered, "Shep?"

Took me a minute.

Yesterday Shep told me I was 'ruining his life.' Don't I earn some kind of mommy merit badge for that one?

Ike: I love you Bethie.
Bethie: No!
Ike: YES I DO LOVE YOU, YOU BIG DUMB STUPID HEAD!!

Ike: why is ChicFilA closed today?
Me: so the people who work there can go to church.
Ike: is McDonalds open?
Me: yes.
Ike: oh that's cause McDonald's already knows all about God.