It’s 11:08pm, I’m lying in bed, in the dark, watching testimony from the Murdaugh case, which just happens to be that of the attorney Mallory Beach’s parents hired after their 19yo daughter was killed by her drunk 19yo friend, and my phone rings: SHEP. My 19yo son. 

My heart stops. “What’s wrong?!?”

“Momma?” 

“”YES WHAT’S WRONG?!?”

“Hey Momma. Can you please put $1.40 in my account so I can buy some ramen? I only have .60 and I’m real real hungry.”

He can thank this awful trial that I sent him the $1.40 plus a bonus.

When Shep was tiny I had the "bedtime routine" all the books said you should: bath, book, rock, sing, lay down, pray he didn't cry, if he did, start over, rinse repeat. Took like 30 minutes at least.

The first time I saw Walker put him to bed, he went upstairs. Then about 30 SECONDS later he came back downstairs.

I was like, what??? Did you rock him? Did you do The Routine?

Walker said "um, I laid him down in the crib, and I, like, walked out..? That's what I always do - ?"

"You didn't rock him??"

"I never rock him."

"He didn't cry??"

"He never cries."

That's when I realized I was being played - by my 4 month old.

I forgot that if you tell a 13yo boy 'I'll give you $10 if you drink this" that even if you were joking, they'll take you up on it.

Tepid water that had been used to boil hot dogs. I almost threw up. He did throw up. But he got his $10!

"Heaven seems boring," he said. 

Oh, to have lived such an easy painfree life that Heaven sounds boring.

One day you'll long for it, grasshopper. This much I assure you.

-

I've started asking Shep to write mini essays regarding his various infractions...basically to give him an opportunity to reflect on "Why Not Coming Home For Dinner On Time Is Bogus".  Here's his response.   Like the smart ass line about how if he's not at dinner it's "ridiculously boring" and he is there to "lighten it up". 

 

I have decided I'm no longer doing Shep or Eva's laundry and this is the summer for them to learn how to do it themselves.

Eva finally did a load this week. Shep is on week 4.

'You're not gonna break me,' he swears.

Watch for UNBROKEN 2: THE STORY OF A PUTRID 11 YEAR OLD in theaters soon.

Shep is running for Vice President of student council. His speech is Wednesday which sadly I will miss since I'll be in Houston. But we worked on it tonight. He said, "I should be Vice President because I’m focused, hard working, and a good listener."
I scoffed.
To which he replied, "I didn't say I was honest."

Perhaps he *does* have a future in politics.

When I was pregnant with Shepherd, my precious friends Carol Kahil Krippel, Tracy Jo Snow Allan, Holly Witter Knott, Jolie Taylor Fletcher, Shanna Finucane and Shelly Reper Slovak threw me a baby shower.

I wore leopard print maternity pants.
{pause for effect}

The very best part was at the end when everyone held hands and prayed for our sweet unborn baby. I sobbed like a newborn at 3am.

When it was Joanna Byrd's turn to pray, she prayed that when this baby sinned, he would be quickly caught.

Jo's lips to God's ears.

Baby been sinning. Baby been gettin caught.

It appears he did not inherit his momma's sneaky gene. Praise God and thank you Joanna.

If I had a nickel for every time this summer I've had to say 'No, Maggie, McDonalds does NOT serve horse meat!'

Big brothers = cruel

Tonight, watching a documentary about Auschwitz with Shep and Eva, they mentioned that many Russians were killed in WWII.

Shep: Yes. 23,650,000.
Me & Eva: What?
Shep: 23,650,000 Russians killed in WWII. For real. 23,650,000.
Me & Eva: {stare}
Eva: Nerd.

Yesterday Shep told me I was 'ruining his life.' Don't I earn some kind of mommy merit badge for that one?

Sheppy in the outfit he wore as an itty bitty baby

Precious.

Ike just asked what would happen if he licked a scrape on his knee. I said nothing. He said, "Oh. Yesterday in the car Shep made me lick it. Then after I did, he told me tomorrow I would die."

Shep (on writing) have you ever done suppository text?

Me: It's true, you have not been managing your emotions well lately.
Shep: WHAT?! YES I HAVE!! {stomps off to room}

 Told Shep to take a bath. He takes one. Puts his dirty (filthy) clothes back

 on. Did you put your dirty underwear back on too?? Yes. {eye roll}

Eva Rose was giving me an inventory of nail polish colors we need to do Halloween nails. She said 'we need a non-see through green' but as soon as she said 'we need a non-see...' Shep interrupts with this evil monster voice 'You need a NAZI???'

Ok maybe you had to be there but it was pretty hysterical.