Our room gets really stuffy at night.
Maggie is watching some YouTube crap in the family room so I said, when you go to bed could you open our door?

She replied, “I’ll open your chest & rip out your entrails”

I only dreamed parenting could be like this. 

Maggie, talking about babies coming:

"...when the seagull drops the baby through the chimney."

Eva: Seagull?

Maggie: Wait. Not seagull. Pelican! When the pelican drops the baby through the chimney."