Maggie today:

You know why you can never trust an atom? 

Cause they make up everything.

 

Ike wanting to buy an app on his iPad: It's only .99  cents.
Me: Then give me a dollar, and I'll buy it for you.
He hands me one.
Me: Where'd you get this?
Ike: From your purse.

Me: Where's the motna?

Bee: In your butt? (tries to lift up my bottom)

Recent Maggisms:
Has anyone ever died of puberty?

When discussing Tim Gunn:
Me: He actually tried to kill himself in high school.
Maggie: Why? Was he goth and depressed?

The note Maggie is receiving tonight, after losing three teeth in one week:

Dearest Maggie,
 
I am so very sorry for not retrieving your tooth (or should I say teeth!) sooner. I would’ve been here right away if it weren’t for the very fact that in Fairyland, everyone had been superbly busy lately. I believe it’s all the children around your age. Their teeth seem to fall out of their mouths like raindrops fall out of the sky! Because of this very unusual dilemma, the Fairy Queen has decreed that all fairies shall retrieve the teeth when at least three of them have already come out of the same child’s mouth, but as you can see that doesn’t help the issue much.

I must tell you some splendid news! I am to be married! Yes, Jack and I are very excited. I do believe that Jack is your dear brother Ike’s tooth fairy! He speaks very pleasantly of him, but he waits for him to lose more teeth.
 
Well anyway, Jack and I are to be married by December. I do not wish for it to happen in the winter months for in the winter we fairies have to wear protective coverings over our wings. I must say that is not very attractive – or comfortable – in my opinion. I will discuss with Jack whether or not we can arrange the celebration earlier, like maybe in November, or even perhaps October. Well, actually October wouldn’t be good. I won’t have enough time to plan…
 
I am so sorry! I got off track! I have a tremendous problem with that. To get back on schedule, I must say that I cannot write anymore. I have 156 other children tonight! I fear I will not be ready by morning. Ciao!

Sincerely,

Calista Meriwether Flyingfeather VI

Father's Day

I have decided I'm no longer doing Shep or Eva's laundry and this is the summer for them to learn how to do it themselves.

Eva finally did a load this week. Shep is on week 4.

'You're not gonna break me,' he swears.

Watch for UNBROKEN 2: THE STORY OF A PUTRID 11 YEAR OLD in theaters soon.

Walker was out, maggie couldn't sleep, so she crawled in bed with me as I watched The Family Stone, which is not appropriate. At one point we broke for the kitchen to get cheese. 'This cheese is good' I said. 'ALL cheese is good' she answered and we fistbumped.

I'm starting to see that the endless nights of vomit & teething & night terrors are redeemed when they turn about 9. It's still hard. Hormones loom on the horizon and they can make teething look like babyplay. But then there are the moments when your kid shares your love for stinky cheese and laughs at appropriate times in grownup movies and you go, oh yeah....this is why we had you. Cause you're so cool, and I so love hanging out with you, in bed, watching movies and eating cheese.

A few years ago I wrote Missy Hooks Dollahon some haiku poetry.

I do that from time to time.  LIKE A BOSS.

Beauty atop bed

Chestnut hair, legs akimbo

Cocooned, warm, at peace



Fingers point, rushing

To the car, children stalling

Pod cast ready, wheels screech



Sly smile, lips are pursed

Fragrant spinning, donning jewels

Shoes lost in a pile



Fingers dance, wine ready

Words leap, brow is furrowing

Thoughts bolt through the web

'Ike, if you don't let your lizards go, I think they're going to die soon.'

'Yeah, but Jack & Nate and I decided that when they die we can, you know, learn more about 'em.'

Future surgeons or future psychopaths? Only time will tell...

Me: "How did this beautiful Ethiopian girl end up here in my arms?"
Bee: "Jesus."

We watched The Bible with the the 3 oldest a couple nights ago. Maggie's questions "How could dey film them when cameras hadn't been inbented yet?" were much, much easier than Eva Rose's "But I don't get it! How could Abraham have a baby with Hagar when he was married to Sarah? How? Tell me now! I need to know!"

It's time for The Talk. Lord help.

Maggie and I, talking after some kids had gone to her room and made a huge mess:

Me: This is why we discipline you, when you think we're just being mean, it's because we love you and we don't want you to grow up to be a brat.

Maggie: You don't want me to be a lonely old cat lady.

Then she asked if we could pray for those kids and their parents.

Shep: For the first time in forever, they'll be music, they'll be light. For the first time in forever...
Maggie: I can poooop alllll night

Ike just informed me that his name is Mr. WeinerButt ToothFart. You can call him that, or, you can call him Ike, he's okay with either one.

I told Ike something and he said, "Okay, I will tell that to my brain and it will remind me. My brain tells me things. Like watch: what's 2+2, brain? Four! What's 8+8, brain? Sixteen! See, it just told me that!"