About once a week or so I engage in a fantasy of throwing myself on the ground and thrashing and screaming at the top of my lungs

JUST! GET! YOUR! FREAKING! SHOES! ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but I restrain myself.

So far.

Because Frieda Pitts Hooks
broke her back recently, our Thanksgiving was cooked by Luby's this year. My mom ordered a roast, a ham, and a turkey for the week. And for the first time in my 40-something years, I was responsible for cooking thanksgiving, as in, taking the food out the containers & heating it. Easy, right?

I got two meats out and put them in the oven to heat up for 2 hours.

The beef, and the ham.

So for the first time in the history of ever, we had no turkey this Thanksgiving.‪#‎momfail‬

Maggie, frustrated with her math homework:

I'm in the Capital of Terribleland!!!

 Day 2 of Ten Commandments Bible Study with the Dollahon Kids:

Discussion of covenants will lead to discussion of circumcision which will lead to loud grimaces from daughters and enthusiastic visual aids from Ike.

Tonight when discussing the ten commandments with the kids:

Me: "We don't build golden calves anymore, but people make idols of lots of other things today. Can you think of some things that people love more than God?"

Eva: "MONEY!"
Shep: (whispers) "Women."
Maggie: "Being a princess. Some people will do anything in the world to be a princess."

Walker  to Shep this morning, headed to All Saints for the first time: 'you're gonna wanna brush your hair and brush your teeth, cause there's gonna be some fly reformed girls there.'

Shep is running for Vice President of student council. His speech is Wednesday which sadly I will miss since I'll be in Houston. But we worked on it tonight. He said, "I should be Vice President because I’m focused, hard working, and a good listener."
I scoffed.
To which he replied, "I didn't say I was honest."

Perhaps he *does* have a future in politics.

When I was pregnant with Shepherd, my precious friends Carol Kahil Krippel, Tracy Jo Snow Allan, Holly Witter Knott, Jolie Taylor Fletcher, Shanna Finucane and Shelly Reper Slovak threw me a baby shower.

I wore leopard print maternity pants.
{pause for effect}

The very best part was at the end when everyone held hands and prayed for our sweet unborn baby. I sobbed like a newborn at 3am.

When it was Joanna Byrd's turn to pray, she prayed that when this baby sinned, he would be quickly caught.

Jo's lips to God's ears.

Baby been sinning. Baby been gettin caught.

It appears he did not inherit his momma's sneaky gene. Praise God and thank you Joanna.

After we make it through this season of puberty, I'm gonna write a memoir and title it "Zits and Fits."

Cause every time I see a zit, I know a tantrum will soon follow.

Maggie: Mom, what kind of homework did you have when you were little?
Me: Lots of spelling, and we had math. We had big heavy math books.
Maggie: (very concerned) That's just sad!!!! (as she does her math homework on the laptop)

'God is just like cheesecake. He's delicious and everyone wants to eat him.'

Guess which Dollahon said that.

Bethie is talking more and more. Two of her favorite new sentences:

"I wan Momma buy me dat!"
and
"{insert sibling name} bein mean-a-me!"

Maggie: Doc McStuffins is just like Jesus - she never sins, on all the shows.

Ike: How old is God & Jesus?
Me: older than anything ever.
Ike: like eighty sixty-three?
Me: bout that.

Winston to Walker: 'You have the hands of a homoerotic Belgian poet.'

Apple --> Tree

If I had a nickel for every time this summer I've had to say 'No, Maggie, McDonalds does NOT serve horse meat!'

Big brothers = cruel

'Some people text even when they are standing right next to each other. I think they're called introverts.' - Maggie

Ten things I am glad Missy didn't know about me before she agreed to marry me... 1) I've never had a sentimental attachment to an animal, 2) I hate popcorn...the taste of it, the smell of it..., 3) I love using ellipses when writing, 4) I am not handy...in fact I'll make it worse, 5) if left alone I'd never change my clothes all day no matter what I'm doing, 6) I hate talking on the phone (and talking in bed...Missy gets chatty at bedtime...come to think of it, Missy is always chatty), 7) I enjoy cigarettes, 8) I am a huge skeptic of all new, faddish science and dietary "breakthroughs", 9) I'm bad a finishing lists...

Just found this email that I sent on 9-5-12, Eva's 8th birthday:

"This is when my faith gets tested. Not when people have cancer or whatnot, but this:

We have to wait for UCIS (immigration) to approve our update for a child up to age 5. Right now we are only approved for a 0-23 month old.

We really don't want a baby anymore. Have been saying that now for months.

So Natalie Bowen emails me and says, to clarify: if, between now and the time that your UCIS is approved (a month or two at the most, hopefully), if a 0-23 month old comes up, do you want us to skip over you, or go ahead and present her to you?

????????????????????????????????????????????

If I say no, then, no. If I say yes, we could get a baby. Which would be harder on some levels, easier on others.

This is when my superstition and doubts re God's sovereignty go BALLISTIC."

Walker was out of town and unreachable, OF COURSE. So I asked Eva what to do. She answered, "I just want any little girl. Tell them yes and let God figure it out."

So I emailed her back and said, okay, just go ahead and don't skip us.

Little did I know, they had asked me to clarify because they were working on the paperwork for a little 23 month old girl, who they presented to us three weeks later.

So glad we said YES to this baby girl :-)

You'd think by my fifth 3 year old it wouldn't make every nerve in my spine stand on end and smoke come out my ears when they stare straight in my face and scream NO!!!!

But it still does.

Maybe the 6th kid's the charm?

She says 'me, Maggie, Eba!!'

"Eva, lately, every time I say something to you, you argue with me."
"No I don't!!"

Who tooted?
Bethie: IKE!
Ike: NO! Boys do not toot, boys fart!

 Today they were here swimming and Maggie said 'I think Danny Davis is in love with me. Must be my new hair cut.' Shoulder flip, shoulder flip. 

I'd have to say the highlight of my week was when my Jen showed up on my front door, saying her embarrassed four year old Whitton owed me an apology. After ten minutes or so of encouraging/cajoling/threatening, he finally whispered, "I'm sorry I peed on Ike."

This is Maggie, at Costco, eating diced hotdog onions out of a cup with a spoon. She does this with raw garlic too. Spoons it right out of the jar. #evenbetterthanachastitybelt

Maggie: I hope that when Bethie grows up, she marries a black man. 
Me: why?
Maggie: So that we can get some real black people in this family. This family is too white.
Me: well, you could marry a black man.

Maggie: but then my kids won't be really black, just some black, like Barack Obama.

Helping her brother write a letter to the Tooth Fairy

At baby Alice's baptism:

Ike: Mom, when can I get communion?
Me: When you confess that Jesus is your savior and you want to follow him for all your life.
Ike: Will I have to be nicer?
Me: Well, if you're following Jesus, then, yeah.
Ike: (shakes head) I'm always gonna be mean to Maggie.

Ike: I want to go to Daniel's house.

Walker: They're not home.

Ike: Yes, they are.

Walker: how do you know.

Ike (brief pause): Cause I'm a genius.

Walker describing our differences:

"Me, I'm Burlington Electric. Conservative, steady, with modest growth year after year.
You, you're a penny stock. Wildly unpredictable. Way down here at 10am, way up here by 4pm. You can make a fortune and lose a fortune, all in one day."

Yesterday was Bethie's first major temper tantrum. She wanted another popsicle. I told her no. She screamed YES. I said no. She threw the popsicle down on the floor. I told her to pick it up. She screamed NOOOOOOOOO and slammed the door in my face.

Eva watched all this, wide eyed. Then she turned to me and said, "Who does she think she is?!?!?!"

I said, um, it's bedtime, little girl. It was about 5pm. I literally had to almost sit on her to get her clothes off and get her pajamas on. Then I kissed her, told her I loved her, and put her to bed. She tried to run out of the room several times and we had to fetch her. She screamed about 20 minutes and fell asleep.

Afterwards, Eva was going on and on about how unbelievable that was.

"Eva. You know when I told you you were hard? That was you. THAT WAS YOU."

"Every day??" she asked.

I nodded. "Just about. Every. Day."

Her eyes were as big as saucers. "Wow."

Wow indeed.

Tonight, watching a documentary about Auschwitz with Shep and Eva, they mentioned that many Russians were killed in WWII.

Shep: Yes. 23,650,000.
Me & Eva: What?
Shep: 23,650,000 Russians killed in WWII. For real. 23,650,000.
Me & Eva: {stare}
Eva: Nerd.

I asked Maggie "You know the Lazyboy that we have upstairs?" and she answered, "Shep?"

Took me a minute.

Yesterday Shep told me I was 'ruining his life.' Don't I earn some kind of mommy merit badge for that one?

Ike: I love you Bethie.
Bethie: No!
Ike: YES I DO LOVE YOU, YOU BIG DUMB STUPID HEAD!!

Ike: why is ChicFilA closed today?
Me: so the people who work there can go to church.
Ike: is McDonalds open?
Me: yes.
Ike: oh that's cause McDonald's already knows all about God.

Art thou afeard
To be the same in thine own act and valour
As thou art in desire?
Wouldst thou have that
Which thou esteem'st the ornament of life,
And live a coward in thine own esteem,
Letting 'I dare not' wait upon 'I would,'
Like the poor cat i' the adage?
-Lady MacBeth

I memorized this line in college and tried to make it the motto of my life. Had forgotten it until tonight, when I heard it spoken by the charming voice of...Marge Simpson.

Sheppy in the outfit he wore as an itty bitty baby

Bethie just came down, unasked, with jammies on, teeth brushed, pull-up on, holding out a hair band for me. Who IS this kid?

 Bethie just came down, unasked, with jammies on, teeth brushed, pull-up on, holding out a hair band for me. Who IS this kid?

No! Do not get in mommy's makeup! No! Ma'am! Not for bethie! No! Now hold still while I take your picture...

Maggie's Hero Project Report:

My hero is Susannah Martin. I chose her because she is my great great great great great great great great great (that’s nine greats) grandmother. She was baptized at Olney, Buckinghamshire, England on September 30, 1621 when she was a baby. Her parents’ names were Richard and Joan North. Her mother died when she was a child and she had a step-mother named Ursula.  She was about 18 when she moved to America.

On August 11, 1646 in Salisbury, Massachusetts Susannah married George Martin. They had a lot of kids: eight. Five boys and three girls. Three times, she was arrested for witchcraft but she was always let go because they couldn’t prove it.
Susannah became famous because in 1692, when she was 70, she got arrested for witchcraft again. Some girls in Salem, Massachusetts, started acting crazy. They would scream and throw fits. They said that witches were casting bad spells on them. One of the people they said was a witch was Susannah Martin. Some people who were arrested lied and said other people were witches.  But Susannah told the truth so nobody else got hanged. This is why she is a hero, because she told the truth even though she would get hanged. She said bible verses and laughed at the girls when they threw fits. She was found guilty and she was hanged on July 19, 1692. She makes me want to tell the truth so other people won’t get hurt. Her hero characteristics are Susannah Martin was kind, smart, honest, and reliable.

Penny upon returning from a late night trip to the store: 'I only got the necessities: bacon and wine. So we should be able to make it till tomorrow.'

Walker on Eva:

My nine year-old daughter is so complex. I don't think I have the "tool box" to manage her. I am really scared when hormones start kicking in too. She is a force of nature already. She is like the Best (and Scariest) of my grandmother Ruth and wife, Missy Hooks Dollahon. Formidable!

She's smarter than me too. Can I "send in the marines" now? Can someone else take over? Can she take over?? Imagine a lethal combination of the Dowager Countess in Downton Abbey mixed with Maggie Thatcher and Genghis Khan but in a pint-sized body. The mental and emotional backflips I had to do this morning to get her ready for school has exhausted me. I will be sucking my thumb in the corner if you need me...

Precious.

Maggie: Mom, which animals have gone extinct since you were born?

Walker:

Missy is an extreme extrovert. I am also an extrovert (but not as much as my wife). My oldest two kids are also extroverts. Maggie, however, is definitely introverted. Last night I noticed I hadn't seen her in a long time. She wasn't among the bustle of our usual, early evening chaos of dinner, clean up, prepping for the fist day, taking showers, etc. I called up to her and said, "Hey Mags, come downstairs!" She reluctantly walks over to the top of the stairs and whines, "Please, dad. I don't want to be around any people right now." I let her be. She went back to doodling unicorns and princesses by herself on the coach upstairs I think.

Bethie just said her first definite 3 word sentence. 'I wanna eat.' (It's always about food, isn't it?) confirms my suspicion the other day that she said 'I need soup'. SO EXCITED. This little girl is gonna be so hysterical once she starts talking!!