At the conclusion of his 3rd VBS of the summer, I ask Ike, "Ike, do you love Jesus?" He answered: "I  don wuv Chesus. I wuv Panda!!"

Sometimes at midnight or 1am or 3am I will wonder, Why am I awake? Then I will hear from upstairs one of my children cry out in fear, and I know why.

Shep: "I have a lot of remembories from when I was a baby."

Starting yesterday, every time that Ike asks for something and I tell him no, he responds with, "GG said yes."

Eva Rose, giggling, just handed me a picture she drew: Deadly Dora holding a knife, stabbing Boots. I was very concerned till she said Shep told her to draw it. Oh, okay then. And that's the difference between boys and girls. Girls do that, you call a psychologist. Boys do that, you just roll your eyes.

Driving to church, we discover our children's political leanings to be clearly defined upon the sight of a homeless man. Eva Rose: "He doesn't look so good. We should give him some of our money." Shep: "He'll just go buy drugs."

Shep in Sunday School

From: Joshua Stone
Date: Sunday, May 29, 2011
Subject: 
To: Mark Johnson , Walker Dollahon
Cc: Sean Dollahon , Phil Taddei , Chad Wilson , Eduardo Cardenas , Lance Orton



To be precise, the question asked by my teaching colleague was "What
are some skills you are learning right now?"

After his classmates said "fractions!" and "cleaning my room!" and
"spanish!" Shep hollered out, fast, almost garbled, "Cleaning my
penis!"

As I said, it took me a moment to process what I'd heard.  But I knew
I heard "penis," so I stood up and said in a pretty regular voice,
"Shep, come with me."

Outside the classroom door:
Josh:  Shep, what did I heard you say just now?
Shep [wearing a faint grin, studying my face]:  Cleaning my penis.
[laughter laughter]
Josh:  Shep, you know you can talk about that with your Mom and Dad,
right?  In your family, yeah?  [nodding his head, grin flashing on and
off] But you can't say it in class like that.  [at this his grin got a
bit more clearly defined.  He relished the thought of his joke,
clearly, so I dropped my hammer, and slightly my tone of voice]  It
was wrong.  I have to tell your Mom and Dad what you've said.
Shep [grin faded out, replaced by fear and faint trembling of voice,
also raised up an octave--like a little boy soprano tremulando]:
Nooo!   Don't tell my parents!  Puhleeeeeze...
Josh:  Yep.
Shep:  [more sadly yet] ...nooooooooo!  Please nooooooo!
Josh:  Don't worry, Shep, its for your good [I actually said that].
Your Daddy loves you, and I know your Daddy and I love him, so I know
he'll want to know about this, because he loves you.  See?  You got
nothing to worry about.  Make sense?
Shep:  [blinks]
Josh:  Ok, good.  Lets go back into class.

We walk back in the room and pass by Hampton Pillsbury.  In my memory,
now, he's leaning back in his chair, with his feet up on the table.
He sticks his hand up to Shep for a high five and says, "Nice one
man!" then jerks his thumb to the marker board, where Jen Needham, the
other teacher, had written "PERSONAL HYGIENE."

I'm feeling a little blue today because we're about to have to start all our paperwork over again as it has expired. I want my daughter. - Facebook 

Maggie made a Mother's Day card at school where she answered some questions for her teacher:

My favorite thing to do with Mom is play on the computer.
I love it when my mom kisses me while I watch TV.
I love my mom because she loves me, my family and God.

If my kids should ever accuse me of not loving them, I shall simply reply, "Whatevs. I drove all over town listening to Veggie Tales cds. If that's not love and sacrifice, I don't know what is."

Maggie: "I have to tee tee so bad my hienie is drowning."

Maggie: "I have to tee tee so bad my heinie is drowning."

Maggie's sweet, innocent voice fills the air, "Tis the season to be naughty, fa la la la la..." Okay, not so innocent.

Should I be concerned that when Ike re-enacted the Japanese tsunami with his toy cars, he did it with an evil, world-domination grin?

Walker bathing the kids tonight.  Eva Rose: "I have all the bubbles to my heart's content."  Maggie: "I have all the bubbles to my butt's content. BAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Shep, yesterday: 'all the kids in my class love Justin Bieber. Only me and one other kid love Prince.' He is the apple of his daddy's eye.

"People who love God go to church. People who don't love God go to Satan's church." So sayeth the Book of Maggie, chapter 1 verse 1.

Shep: "Daddy, will College Station ever be in danger from Al Queda?" #random

Facebook posts:

If there were a World's Best Temper Tantrum Throwing contest, Mags would be taking home some trophys about now. It't the never ending fit fest. Your kid should be jealous of my kid's skilz.

Aaaaaaaand she's out, after 2 hours and 23 minutes of nonstop screaming. Way to go, Maggie!!! Next stop, London, 2012!!!!

 Maggie just woke up screaming, "I can't get the snots out of my nooooooose!!" Who said motherhood wasn't glamorous.

From the back of my minivan, Sister Maggie preaches, rather charismatically. "I loooooove God. And Jesus. And dey love me. They looooove Maggie. Cause I love them. And I hate - "second only in fascination to God and Jesus - "SATAN! I hate him! Him a big ole toopid head. He does noooot love me. He's a big meanie. If I ever saw him, I'd do a big stinky gas on him! AHAHAHAHA!!! He gonna go to a river of fire! But I looooove God. And Jesus. Do you know I love Jesus Mommy?"

"I do precious. He loves you too. So much."

"Yeah. He do." She looks out the window and smiles. Perhaps a little smugly.

Then, "Mommy? Do God love Satan?"

(Silence from the front seat. Quizzical looks on Mom's face.)

"Well do he?" 

"You know Maggie, I don't think so. I don't think he does." Quizzical look replaced by surprised look as I discover, yes, I am a five point Calvinist after all.

"Dat's what I say. God do NOT love Satan. But Sissy said that God love Satan, cause God love everybody. But I say, No. Way. God do NOT love Satan. God love me dough. And I loooooooove God. And Jesus. But not Satan."

Later, over Thanksgiving leftovers, her big sister asks, "Mom, does God love Satan?"

This time Mom's ready. "Sweetie, I don't think so. I really don't."

"Yeah, that's what Maggie said. But Jesus told us to love our enemies. And Satan is God's enemy. So shouldn't God love Satan?"

Quizzical look on Mom's face returns. 

Tonite during prayers: "Eva Rose, do you have any sins to confess?" "Nope." "You mean you've been perfect all day?" "Mostly."

Walker's sweet nothings: 'Eight years, baby. If you play your cards right, you might get another eight.'

As part of his WWII obsession, Shepherd just made Hitler's bunker out of Legos. Should I be proud or horrified? Hm.

You know those kids who come from big families and grow up and deliberately only have 1 or 2 kids themselves? Yeah. Raising one of those. Guess which one?

Trying to shove Ike's big ole head through all his tshirts just makes me think ugh {shudder} childbirth {shudder}

Once when Eva Rose was being especially bossy I told her, "You are NOT Maggie's mommy." And she looked at me with complete astonishment and said, "Yes I am!"

Embarrassing

When Shep was only 2 or 3 years year old, we were at Kroger and we turned onto the wine aisle. Suddenly he sang out, LOUDLY, "Wine! I wuv wine! Wed wine, white wine, I love wine!!"

Maggie at dinner tonight: "When Baby Bethie comes, we really need to get rid of Ike."

Maggie: Mommy, when Jesus goes in my heart does he get all bloody?

I just spanked Ike for locking a door (again). Afterwards when I told him not to lock any more doors, he looked at me, stamped his foot, and says, "My. House." Lord help me.

Walker Dollahon added a new p

hoto to the album: New Photos of The Chaos That Is Team Dollahon.

September 4, 2010 · 

Watching UT vs. Rice (Walker's g-dad's alma-mater) with Ike. Guess who they are rootin' for??

Shep: "When I grow up, I wanna be a guy who catches bad guys who pretend to be ghosts." Scooby snack anyone?

Dear Ike, 
This is your naptime. You may use it as you see fit. You may sleep, or you may make a huge mess of your room and bang on the door. Either way, you ain't comin out. 
Love,
Mommy

The other day, Maggie was sitting at the dinner table and when she stood

 up, she started screaming. Turns out her leg had fallen asleep for the 

first time and it FREAKED HER OUT. Would good parents not laugh at that?

 Cause we're not good parents, I wouldn't know. 

Maggie, tonight, after I had put on perfume:

'Mommy, I wuv da way you smell. I wuv da way your arms smell.....but not your bweath."

Today was Maggie's first day of PreK. I have her and Ike stand by the sign for a photo op. Immediately, she starts screaming BLOODY MURDER. She is covered head to toe in fire ants!!! Her shoes, socks, all up her dress, going into her hair! Poor baby girl, we had to strip her down right there in the parking lot. She's over it, I am still shaking a little 

:(

For WEEKS I have been incredibly irritated because all my songs on my iPhone disappeared. And then my laptop broke so I couldn't get into iTunes. Couldn't find them. Ike picks up my iPhone, starts pushing some buttons, and voila. My songs are back. He's obviously a genius.

Um. Well then.

Maggie: my toe is bweeding! it's hurting!

me: why?

Maggie: because I bit it!

Maggie did not do her chores. So Maggie is sobbing on the couch while her brother and sister go swimming with Daddy. And Mommy is so sad for her she cried a little too. :(

At 3, Ike has decided that his body no longer needs any sleep. This is a decision that his father and I do not condone. While we will always love him, we cannot support him in his current destructive lifestyle. We appreciate your prayers during this very difficult time. Meals will also be accepted.

GG:  Maggie how did you get so cute?  ( She was dress in her usual regalia)

Mags: God made me that way.

Book 3, TV 1

Book 2; TV 1; Dog 1

TV: 4; Book: 0

Checkmate.

Book 3.

Sick Maggie

Shep: "mom, can I sticky middle finger up at Satan?"

Oh good grief! NO!!

Tough questions

Eva Rose: "Were angels ever babies?"

I told her no, God created them grownups. She refused to believe me.

The other day I asked Maggie, "How'd you get so pretty?"

"Easy" she answered.

Walker and I just had a long, thought provoking, humbling and somewhat painful conversation. We were trying to recall the last time our children had a bath.

Shep just asked me to count his money: $3.97. Then he said, "You want it? Will that be enough to buy the baby?" At which point I tried really hard not to sob and snot all over him.